[ That is enough to anger him. His shoulders straighten in his sudden angered reaction, but he is good at concealing his true emotions especially when he only has to transmit words in response. Still he does not like the Aparat speaking to her in such a way. ]
Uncomfortable and wrong. Grisha have always suffered. They suffer still. Simply because they can live in a palace with nice clothing and an education does not mean they do not still suffer.
Fjerdans burn us at the pyre. The Shu take and experiment upon us. We've enemies all around. [ The royalty in Revka sees them as entertainment, something to be used. ] I do not believe he was wrong in stating you would suffer more. It is the price of being a saint.
[She knows very well that being disliked can lead to suffering. And she'd been on the receiving end of Fjerdan hatred once already. The Apparat's view of things definitely felt biased.]
I still don't feel very much like a saint. [She has to admit this, especially with how her first lesson with Baghra went.] But I have a book about them now, I'll see what I can learn from it.
I am no expert, [ far from it after all, quite the opposite after all- a heretic is no saint, but he is not concerned with that. once he had to live in hiding, once he was feared even by his own kind, and now he has a position of power and the world will change for the better after all his trying] I do not believe saints often feel like they are ones at the time they are moving mountains or destroying folds.
They change the world because they have the ability and drive to do so. Not because they see themselves as a saint. Did you like the library?
[ he may pride himself in the library. he has always found knowledge to be incredibly important. many grisha don't know what they can do, don't know the history of grisha themselves because they are never given the chance to learn. here at the little palace, they can. they can learn to read, they can pour over the stories written within the pages. ]
That is the reaction I aim for. I try to make sure it is stocked with as many options as possible. Are there any books in particular that interest you?
[ if they are not here already, he can have them sent for. ]
I found a book I used to read as a child. It was nice to see it again.
But, besides that, I think I should take a look at anything about the history and lore surrounding the Grisha. I might not have taken it seriously enough before.
[She definitely hadn’t taken it seriously enough before. She had no reason to since she’d convinced everyone including herself that she couldn’t possibly be one.]
A book of fairytales? [ He's curious. He couldn't read much when he was especially young (the centuries ago that it occurred during), but when he had the chance, he read everything he could get his hands on. ]
I believe there must be every book available about the history and lore surrounding our people available in that library. You may not feel a saint yet, but do you feel as if you're Grisha?
Sort of. It was about a stag. I used to sketch it sometimes, for practice.
[She has to think about his question a moment before answering. Baghra certainly hadn't instilled much confidence in her in terms of her ability, but then again from what Marie and Nadine have said, finding Baghra frustrating was common among Grisha learning to harness their power.]
I don't know. I'm getting there? I think I'll feel more like a Grisha when I can summon on my own and Baghra stops yelling at me.
I am familiar with that one. Do you sketch still? Beyond maps that is.
[ Being 'familiar' with the stag, of course, is putting it mildly, but like with many things, he does not elaborate. The last bit at least makes him smile in quiet amusement though she cannot see it. ]
I am sorry to tell you, but Baghra yelling at you is an integral Grisha experience.
Sometimes, but I haven’t lately. Everything has happened so fast since coming here, I haven’t had time. Perhaps I’ll start again now that I’ve started to settle in, though.
[It might give her something else to do in her spare time besides pen letters to Mal. Not that she has any plans to stop that but maybe she should give her letters a chance to get to him before writing new ones.
Besides she’s been dreaming of the stag lately, maybe it would help to get the images out on paper.]
So, yelling is just part of Baghra's charm, is it? I was afraid of that.
You should take the time to sketch if it would make you feel more at home.
[ Aleksander did intend to make this place as a save haven for those who are Grisha. He did not quite anticipate someone joining the Little Palace who already had a life of their own.
But his smile widens slightly. ]
I'm afraid I can give you no reassurance there. I would be more worried if she stopped yelling.
[ They can easily find whatever she might need and more.
There's a pause after that bit if only because he doesn't like to think of Baghra hitting her, but he is also well aware of Baghra's technique. He... experienced it himself after all when he was much younger than Alina. If he wants the sun summoner to be as strong as he knows her to be, she has to be trained by the best, which is Baghra. If Kirigan had the time through fighting a war, through travelling through the country to fight at his army's side, he would want to teach her himself.
But their time is limited, and the threat grows every day. ]
I am afraid so, Alina. Her methods are extreme. But they do provide results.
I went through similar training when I was younger than you.
If you insist. I could gather them myself, though, if it's too much trouble.
[But she suspects he might insist.
She has to take a moment to consider what he says about Baghra. In spite of hearing some stories, she hadn't yet thought much about how young some of the Grisha must be when they first started training. At least she's not a child any longer.]
I know. I've heard the same from some of the other Grisha here.
I'm sorry, though. It must have been difficult to deal with as a child.
[ Kirigan insists. She has much more important things to be doing than gathering supplies at the moment, and there are plenty of servants who could do so with ease. When she retires this evening, she will find everything she needs laid out upon her bed.
There is a long pause following what she says. It is strange to hear her say it given the reality she does not know, that no one knows. It is certainly nothing he deserves though he wonders if one day he may be able to tell her the truth. Speak of what he hasn't truly ever spoken about, what he rarely thinks about anymore- he has changed so much within his lifetime.
They have time after all - more than she knows. ]
It is an unfortunate necessity of being at war. [ of being only valued for what they can do for the king, of being in danger otherwise. ] At least here Grisha can be safe.
[ safe to fight a war for a king who cares not for their interests. ]
And one day perhaps we will not have to fight so hard any longer. That is the hope you bring. Is it not?
[Ah, there it is again. The pressure. The spike of anxiety in her chest and the doubt that eats at her. Being the people’s symbol of hope is a heavy weight to carry, and she’s not accustomed to bearing it yet.]
So they keep saying.
[Well, except Zoya. On some level Alina wonders if Zoya is the only one who sees the truth. She’s completely out of her depth.
Then again, proving Zoya wrong is excellent incentive not to give up.]
I still have a lot of work to do before I can live up to it, though.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[After a moment of consideration, she adds:]
I don’t think he meant it as a threat or anything. But it was just...an uncomfortable way to end a conversation.
[She remembers Genya calling the Aparat a greasy rat. She can understand why now.]
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Uncomfortable and wrong. Grisha have always suffered. They suffer still. Simply because they can live in a palace with nice clothing and an education does not mean they do not still suffer.
Fjerdans burn us at the pyre. The Shu take and experiment upon us. We've enemies all around. [ The royalty in Revka sees them as entertainment, something to be used. ] I do not believe he was wrong in stating you would suffer more. It is the price of being a saint.
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[She knows very well that being disliked can lead to suffering. And she'd been on the receiving end of Fjerdan hatred once already. The Apparat's view of things definitely felt biased.]
I still don't feel very much like a saint. [She has to admit this, especially with how her first lesson with Baghra went.] But I have a book about them now, I'll see what I can learn from it.
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They change the world because they have the ability and drive to do so. Not because they see themselves as a saint. Did you like the library?
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[It's worth remembering that all saints were people once, before the stories and the legends started to spread.]
The library was wonderful. I might have been a little overwhelmed by the selection.
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That is the reaction I aim for. I try to make sure it is stocked with as many options as possible. Are there any books in particular that interest you?
[ if they are not here already, he can have them sent for. ]
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But, besides that, I think I should take a look at anything about the history and lore surrounding the Grisha. I might not have taken it seriously enough before.
[She definitely hadn’t taken it seriously enough before. She had no reason to since she’d convinced everyone including herself that she couldn’t possibly be one.]
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I believe there must be every book available about the history and lore surrounding our people available in that library. You may not feel a saint yet, but do you feel as if you're Grisha?
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[She has to think about his question a moment before answering. Baghra certainly hadn't instilled much confidence in her in terms of her ability, but then again from what Marie and Nadine have said, finding Baghra frustrating was common among Grisha learning to harness their power.]
I don't know. I'm getting there? I think I'll feel more like a Grisha when I can summon on my own and Baghra stops yelling at me.
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[ Being 'familiar' with the stag, of course, is putting it mildly, but like with many things, he does not elaborate. The last bit at least makes him smile in quiet amusement though she cannot see it. ]
I am sorry to tell you, but Baghra yelling at you is an integral Grisha experience.
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[It might give her something else to do in her spare time besides pen letters to Mal. Not that she has any plans to stop that but maybe she should give her letters a chance to get to him before writing new ones.
Besides she’s been dreaming of the stag lately, maybe it would help to get the images out on paper.]
So, yelling is just part of Baghra's charm, is it? I was afraid of that.
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[ Aleksander did intend to make this place as a save haven for those who are Grisha. He did not quite anticipate someone joining the Little Palace who already had a life of their own.
But his smile widens slightly. ]
I'm afraid I can give you no reassurance there. I would be more worried if she stopped yelling.
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[Indeed, the Little Palace seemed to have everything. A charcoal pencil and a sketch pad is probably easy enough to find.
As for Baghra:]
What if she stopped hitting? Would that be worrying, too?
[Of course she understand why Baghra does it. The sudden pain triggers a Grisha's power. But, it's very frustrating.]
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[ They can easily find whatever she might need and more.
There's a pause after that bit if only because he doesn't like to think of Baghra hitting her, but he is also well aware of Baghra's technique. He... experienced it himself after all when he was much younger than Alina. If he wants the sun summoner to be as strong as he knows her to be, she has to be trained by the best, which is Baghra. If Kirigan had the time through fighting a war, through travelling through the country to fight at his army's side, he would want to teach her himself.
But their time is limited, and the threat grows every day. ]
I am afraid so, Alina. Her methods are extreme. But they do provide results.
I went through similar training when I was younger than you.
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[But she suspects he might insist.
She has to take a moment to consider what he says about Baghra. In spite of hearing some stories, she hadn't yet thought much about how young some of the Grisha must be when they first started training. At least she's not a child any longer.]
I know. I've heard the same from some of the other Grisha here.
I'm sorry, though. It must have been difficult to deal with as a child.
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There is a long pause following what she says. It is strange to hear her say it given the reality she does not know, that no one knows. It is certainly nothing he deserves though he wonders if one day he may be able to tell her the truth. Speak of what he hasn't truly ever spoken about, what he rarely thinks about anymore- he has changed so much within his lifetime.
They have time after all - more than she knows. ]
It is an unfortunate necessity of being at war. [ of being only valued for what they can do for the king, of being in danger otherwise. ] At least here Grisha can be safe.
[ safe to fight a war for a king who cares not for their interests. ]
And one day perhaps we will not have to fight so hard any longer. That is the hope you bring. Is it not?
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So they keep saying.
[Well, except Zoya. On some level Alina wonders if Zoya is the only one who sees the truth. She’s completely out of her depth.
Then again, proving Zoya wrong is excellent incentive not to give up.]
I still have a lot of work to do before I can live up to it, though.